Abuse, Domestic Violence and LDS Families, Part 1

Does domestic violence occur among members of the church? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. Like any other group of people we are human and humans sin. In The Proclamation on the Family there is a paragraph condemning abuse. That alone signifies that domestic violence and child abuse does at times occur in LDS homes. Sometimes abuse comes in the form of one spouse denigrating the other for being overweight, not keeping the house clean enough or belittling the other for not having as much education as the abuser. In my profession I have seen all forms of abuse in LDS and non LDS homes.

Granted this is not a topic that we like to discuss, but it is one that must be addressed. In Alma, 37:29 When Alma is counseling his son Helaman, we are taught that secrets are sin and that speaking openly about abuse and sin is God's law. It reads, "their wickedness and their murders and their abominations shall ye make known unto them; and ye shall teach them to abhor such wickedness and abominations and murders; and ye shall also teach them that these people were destroyed on account of their wickedness and abominations and their murders. Keeping abuse a secret only serves to perpetuate it.

I once had a young couple come to me a week after their wedding. They were from differing cultures, He was from California and she was from a culture in which arranged marriages were common. Prior to marrying they had no intimate contact as was custom in her culture. However on their honeymoon the young groom expected much more intimacy than she had imagined. By the time they returned home they were sleeping in separate rooms. She had expected that intimacy would evolve over time, and he had expected that the wedding night would fulfill his dreams.

The problem was communication, or lack of it. Neither was comfortable talking about sex with the other and consequently neither realized the other's expectations regarding their honeymoon. When the frustrated husband tried to force the issue of sex the young bride became terrified and asked for a divorce.

Although all newly married couples have to go through a phase of learning about each other, sexual preferences and expectations are often left on the shelf because one or both partners are uncomfortable with the subject. In such cases unhappiness to some degree, is the result, in extreme cases, abuse can result.

In 2002 Utah reported 67 domestic violence murders. Of course not all of those were in LDS homes, but it would be naive to believe that none of them were. In fact one of my clients was a family member of one of the LDS victims from that year. Statistics show that those married in the temple have fewer incidence of domestic violence than civilly married people. However a temple marriage does not guarantee that abuse won't occur at some point.

Although both husbands and wives can be abusers, we generally hear about abusive husbands. That is because men are more often physically violent which is against the law. Women are more often verbally abusive which goes unreported. Both types of abuse are are sin. And both types of abuse can tear apart a family.

Some other forms of abuse recognized by the church are:

Any form of hitting
any unwanted touch
caustic criticism
nagging
belittling
sarcasm
Yelling
name calling
threatening
using profanity
unfaithfulness
lying
restricting finances
making fun of the other
spiritual intimidation
controlling
unrighteous dominion - using the priesthood as a means to control

In the doctrine and Covenants we are taught that using status or position to control others is a sin. D&C 121:37 reads, "but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

The words "control, compulsion" and "dominion" in this scripture clearly refer to what we now know as abuse.

Some people clearly realize that they are an abuser, yet they don't care enough about their relationship to change their ways. Others are ignorantly mirroring their abusive upbringing. How does one come to understand whether or not they are being abusive in their relationships? First, you need to be willing to be honest with yourself. Start by asking yourself these questions:

Do I call my spouse names to belittle or shame them?
Do I believe that I "can't help" loosing my temper, and I lose it frequently?
Are my expectations for my spouse unrealistic?
Would my spouse say that my expectations are unrealistic?
For instance do I expect that my husband make plenty of money and keep up on home repairs and the garden and discipline the children appropriately and conduct FHE, family prayers etc.?
Do I allow my spouse to have privacy or do I check up on him/her frequently?
Do I discount my spouses abilities?
Do I insist that family members obey me because I have the priesthood?
Have I used emotional blackmail, emotional threats?
Do I allow other things like work, church callings, expectations of others to come before my spouse's needs?
Do I engage in sexual abuse or force?
Do I get physical with my spouse?
Do I control all the money?
Is my spouse helpless without me?
Do I insist on being the main source of inspiration for family members rather than let them rely on the spirit for their guidance?
Do I insist on making all the decisions for the family?

Getting someone to admit that they are abusing another is very difficult. Abusers are more often than not immature, selfish and insecure, traits that no one wants to admit to.

Those who have suffered abuse from a loved one often are damaged spiritually as well as physically and emotionally. A woman abused or betrayed by her husband may loose faith in the priesthood and even God. Her testimony may fade as she prays for relief but feels her prayers are not being answered. She may not feel trust enough in priesthood leaders to seek the guidance of her Bishop or home teachers.

Priesthood holders may believe that they have the power to move mountains, but the greater power they have is to effect the lives of those who love them, for good or for evil.

Let me make one thing clear; no one deserves to be abused, to any degree, by anyone, for any reason. All abuse is a reflection of the mentality of the abuser, not of the abused. Likewise God will not stop the hand of an abuser. He has granted each of us our agency; whether we use it for good or for evil is up to each individual.

The lives of those who have been abused will forever be altered, however that does not mean that they must remain damaged. Elder Richard G. Scott said "Know that the wicked choice of others cannot completely destroy your agency unless you permit it... you are free to determine to overcome the harmful effects of abuse." The abused will never be seen as the sinner in the eyes of God. He knows the heart of the abuser and blames not the heart of the abused.

For more in-depth information regarding abuse and domestic violence visit Psych-Net Mental Health at http://www.psych-net.com/abuse.html

Part 2 - dealing with abuse, will be posted in the near future.

Forgiveness - The Gift you Give Yourself

The Holiday Season reminds us to be compassionate toward others. But what about someone who has offended you in some way? How can you be compassionate toward someone you feel has hurt you? Forgiving someone who has offended you is the best way to let go of negative energy and hurt feelings.

Forgiveness isn't about condoning the offending behavior, nor is it about forgetting that it ever happened. Forgiveness is a choice to no longer allow the offender's previous behavior to control your emotions. It is about letting go of your anger, and choosing to step out of the victim role.

What is forgiveness?

There's no single definition of forgiveness. But in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of releasing yourself from thoughts and feelings that keep you tied to the offense committed against you. Doing so can reduce the power these feelings have had over you. When you forgive, you can live a freer and happier life in the present instead of focusing on your negative past experience. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. And forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.

There are also tangible benefits to forgiving?

Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of being unforgiving and being forgiving. Evidence shows that holding onto grudges and bitterness results in long-term health problems. Forgiveness, on the other hand, offers numerous benefits, including:

* Lower blood pressure
* Stress reduction
* Less hostility
* Better anger management skills
* Lower heart rate
* Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
* Fewer depression symptoms
* Fewer anxiety symptoms
* Reduction in chronic pain
* More friendships
* Healthier relationships
* Greater religious or spiritual well-being
* Improved psychological well-being

Help yourself - forgive your offender and live a happier, less stress-filled life.

Sibling Marriage and Other Tolerance Issues

This afternoon in my RS meeting I helped teach the lesson on marriage and how the world is turning away from marriage and the nuclear family. Of course the issue of "gay marriage" is frequently in the media, but the other day I saw a news-type show featuring a brother and sister who were a "couple" and wanted sibling marriage to be legalized. Their premise was that if we authorized gay marriage then we should also legalize any union between two or more people without prejudice - even siblings.

I know, to most people this sounds preposterous. But when you look back just a few decades, so did the idea of gay marriage. Our Western European culture has for years stressed the importance of tolerance saying that we need to get over the Victorian belief that the only true marriage is between a man and a woman. However many who have professed this attitude would themselves be intolerant of sibling marriage, child marriage and say, pedophilia based marriages.

I suppose my point is that when people vehemently profess tolerance for all, they are really only wanting tolerance for their own deviant lifestyle. They would have us believe that a line should not be drawn, but they themselves would draw a line somewhere.

So where should we, the LDS community draw our line? Thank God, we have been given the sacred counsel from the first presidency in the form of the Proclamation on the Family to help us understand the sanctity of marriage and to whom it should apply. That is where the Lord drew his line and no societal changes should alter our opinion. It is a tried and true principle that works here on Earth and in the eternities. It may not make everyone in the world happy, but then, no righteous principle does.

There will always be those who want to write their own ticket to eternal life. But that just isn't the way the plan works.

Introducing a New Online LDS Store

There is a new online LDS store where you can shop for everything from books and music to food storage and emergency preparedness supplies. There are wedding dresses for plus size women, children's games and books, and even ties for your man.

With Christmas just around the corner you can get most of your shopping done in just a few minutes at The LDS Mall

So check it out today. And because inventory will be updated regularly check back often to see what's new and what's on sale.

8.0 Earthquake in Peru & the LDS Church

Several days ago Peru suffered a devastating 8.0 earthquake near Lima. At least 500 people died and some area and outlying areas are nearly obliterated. Of the 430,000 members of the church in Peru 7 were killed and 14 were injured. All missionaries are safe and accounted for.

Although the areas in the town around the temple were seriously damaged, the temple, the mission home and ward buildings were not damaged and many are being used as shelters for those who have been displaced from their homes.

Since the quake, missionaries have been helping with the cleanup and search through the rubble. Yesterday the church reported to the Deseret News that it had already sent
* $82,000 worth of medical instruments,
* $200,000 worth of pharmaceuticals
* a truckload of relief goods
* 3,000 family food boxes
* hygiene kits and tarps.
* 10,000 blankets
* tents and other emergency supplies

One Peruvian man stated that he was "so grateful for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because they are always the first group to arrive on the scene with aid."

When we pay our fast offerings and other tithes & offerings we are doing our part in giving aid to people all over the world who are dealing with catastrophes we can only imagine. I have to say that I feel so happy to do what I can to relieve the suffering of others by paying tithes and offerings. Doing so helps me to remember how very blessed I am and how selfish I would be if I were to ignore those in need.

Should Dating LDS Couples Kiss?

How much physical affection is demonstrated in an intimate relationship will be, and needs to be, different for every couple. However living the gospel can be a great foundation for couples who want, and or need, to set some limits.

Here are a few thoughts about what those limits should be.

1. The age and dating experience of the individuals involved plays a huge role in determining what those limits should be. Although physical attraction is universal regardless of age, the younger and less experienced a person is the more likely they will be to allow themselves to get caught up in the physical pleasures of an intimate relationship.

This is because the newness of physical affection and the power it can have on one's ability to put the breaks on makes it very difficult to say stop. Our brains aren't fully developed until around age 23. Before then we lack the ability to make the most rational decisions regarding the consequences to our behaviors. Consequently, prior to age 23 or so, your limits should be very conservative. A kiss goodnight, at the door, after a date, may be as far as you agree to go. Anything else can easily lead to behaviors that will later be regretted.

2. Rules often seem old fashioned, but physical attraction and sexual desire have been the same since Adam and Eve. That is the way God created us so that we would be able to reproduce. And since the beginning of the human race, couples who have not set firm boundaries and limits regarding their dating behaviors have ended up paying an enormous price for indiscretion.

Any time a couple allows themselves to become intimate to the point of spending their time together experiencing the physical pleasures of intimacy they are putting themselves at risk. Even "making out" can lead to crossing boundaries that would not be crossed if a limit had been agreed upon ahead of time. You can be sexual with any one, but getting to know another person for who they really are requires spending time together doing things that allow you to experience them in non sexual ways.

So if your goal is to get a short-lived thrill that you may later regret, spend your time together exploring each other physically. But if your goal is to get to know your date, or to determine if you want to pursue a long lasting relationship, set your limits to a single but meaningful kiss at the door.

The rule of thumb is to never allow yourself to engage in an activity that you would be embarrassed for your mother to witness.

Be an Imperfect Parent

Around age 6-7 children begin to see their parents’ humanness. They begin to wonder why mom says “don’t take what doesn’t belong to you,” and then eats a grape at the grocery story while shopping. “Isn’t that stealing mom?”

We want our children to learn perfect principles and sometimes we mistakenly expect more from them than we expect from ourselves. But what should a parent do when they have done something so obviously wrong that even their little children notice?

Just as you tell your children that “honesty is the best policy,” when you do something wrong you have to be able to own up to it and come clean with your child. Admit that what you did was wrong. If the infraction was against them, apologize. If someone else was involved tell your child how you plan to make it right. And if there was no other injured party, tell your child that you know that what you did was wrong. Let them know that you make mistakes too and that you try very hard to make as few as possible.

In short, be an example. Being honest with your child about your own humanness will help them feel less troubled about their own. Showing them how you handle your mistakes shows them how to handle theirs. Yes, they will eventually figure out that you aren’t perfect but in the process they will learn valuable life lessons. And isn’t that what parenting is all about?

More parenting tips at http://www.psych-net.com

Living With Adversity Part 1

This story was originally printed in the Manchester, England, Guardian and later reprinted in the Deseret News. And eventually it was told by President Hinkley in General Conference several years ago.
A hurricane had hit the West Indies, and a bricklayer was sent to repair the damage. He wrote to the home office as follows:
"Respected Sirs:
"When I got to the building I found that the hurricane had knocked some bricks off the top. So I rigged up a beam with a pulley at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of barrels full of bricks. When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over. I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured the line at the bottom, and then went up and filled the barrel with the extra bricks. Then I went to the bottom and cast off the line. Unfortunately the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was, and before I knew what was happening the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground. I decided to hang on, and halfway up I met the barrel coming down and received a severe blow on the shoulder. I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my finger jammed in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground it bursted its bottom, allowing all the bricks to spill out. I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high speed. Halfway down, I met the barrel coming up and received severe injuries to my shins. When I hit the ground I landed on the bricks, getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges. At this point I must have lost my presence of mind because I let go of the line. The barrel then came down, giving me another heavy blow on the head and putting me in hospital. I respectfully request sick leave."

Suffering comes to all of us. Sometimes it is mental. Sometimes it is physical. Sometimes it may even be spiritual.

Adversity, in one form or another, is the universal experience of mankind. It is the common lot of all men [and women] to experience misfortune, suffering, sickness, or other adversities. Often our work is arduous and unnecessarily demanding. Our faith is tried in various ways—sometimes unjustly tried. At times it seems that even God is punishing us. One of the things that makes adversity so hard to bear is that we feel as if we alone have been chosen for this affliction while others presumably escape trial and adversity.

On one occasion, in the presence of the Prophet Joseph Smith, someone commented that a person was suffering affliction because of his sins. The Prophet Joseph responded that that was an unhallowed statement to make—that afflictions come to all.
Likewise, President Harold B. Lee related the story of a seriously ill infant who had just received a blessing; a man who was present observed: "This is one of our finest and most faithful families. I don't know why they should be thus afflicted."

Some misunderstand. It does not necessarily follow that righteousness immunizes us against adversity. President Lee taught us that living the gospel of Jesus Christ is no guarantee that adversity will not come into our lives; but living the gospel does give us the strength and faith and power to rise above that adversity and look beyond the present trouble to the brighter day.

Too often we are shortsighted as we view the effects of adversity in our life. We fail to see the purifying and refining effect wrought by the flames of adversity. These flames are not meant to consume, but to purify us. Disguised as adversity, blessings are showered upon us.

Henry Ward Beecher said, "Affliction comes to us all, not to make us sad, but sober; not to make us sorry, but to make us wise; not to make us despondent, but by its darkness to refresh us as the night refreshes the day; not to impoverish, but to enrich us.

I often counsel my clients to refrain from believing that their depressive mood or their current oppressive situation will last forever. In fact it will not. The good news is that all feelings are transient and so are the trials in our life. Our work is to grow past our defeatist moods and to discover the best way to survive our most harrowing trials. In so doing we are given the opportunity to turn our weakness into our strengths; and to then help others as they are faced with their most harrowing trials.
Thomas Carlyle wrote "Out of the lowest depths, there is a path to the loftiest heights."

Lives of great people teach us that many of them rose to significant achievement because of their adversities. We may never become great in worldly terms, but we are great in our Heavenly Father’s eyes, in the eyes of our children and we have been given the opportunity to become our own greatest ally in our pursuit of eternal glory if we determine to learn from our dark moments. Our capacity to endure suffering is a spiritual attribute.

Elder A. Theodore Tuttle Of the First Council of the Seventy offered this:
“Those who have been driven to their knees in weakness, grief, and humility commune with God not in the learned cliches of prayer, but in heartfelt, soul-revealing communion. And when our Father sustains and assures a tested faith and a tested love, they learn the sweetness of adversity.”

While living the gospel will not necessarily temper the elements, it will temper you so you can endure the trials. Come with patience to your afflictions.

Sweet indeed are the uses of adversity. If we bear adversity well, we can learn the principle enunciated by Moroni: “ wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." (Eth. 12:6.)

We need to have faith that the Lord is watching over us and He will not allow us to falter as long as we lean on him.

Credits: Photo named "We Shall Overcome" is by By Noel