Abuse, Domestic Violence and LDS Families, Part 1

Does domestic violence occur among members of the church? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. Like any other group of people we are human and humans sin. In The Proclamation on the Family there is a paragraph condemning abuse. That alone signifies that domestic violence and child abuse does at times occur in LDS homes. Sometimes abuse comes in the form of one spouse denigrating the other for being overweight, not keeping the house clean enough or belittling the other for not having as much education as the abuser. In my profession I have seen all forms of abuse in LDS and non LDS homes.

Granted this is not a topic that we like to discuss, but it is one that must be addressed. In Alma, 37:29 When Alma is counseling his son Helaman, we are taught that secrets are sin and that speaking openly about abuse and sin is God's law. It reads, "their wickedness and their murders and their abominations shall ye make known unto them; and ye shall teach them to abhor such wickedness and abominations and murders; and ye shall also teach them that these people were destroyed on account of their wickedness and abominations and their murders. Keeping abuse a secret only serves to perpetuate it.

I once had a young couple come to me a week after their wedding. They were from differing cultures, He was from California and she was from a culture in which arranged marriages were common. Prior to marrying they had no intimate contact as was custom in her culture. However on their honeymoon the young groom expected much more intimacy than she had imagined. By the time they returned home they were sleeping in separate rooms. She had expected that intimacy would evolve over time, and he had expected that the wedding night would fulfill his dreams.

The problem was communication, or lack of it. Neither was comfortable talking about sex with the other and consequently neither realized the other's expectations regarding their honeymoon. When the frustrated husband tried to force the issue of sex the young bride became terrified and asked for a divorce.

Although all newly married couples have to go through a phase of learning about each other, sexual preferences and expectations are often left on the shelf because one or both partners are uncomfortable with the subject. In such cases unhappiness to some degree, is the result, in extreme cases, abuse can result.

In 2002 Utah reported 67 domestic violence murders. Of course not all of those were in LDS homes, but it would be naive to believe that none of them were. In fact one of my clients was a family member of one of the LDS victims from that year. Statistics show that those married in the temple have fewer incidence of domestic violence than civilly married people. However a temple marriage does not guarantee that abuse won't occur at some point.

Although both husbands and wives can be abusers, we generally hear about abusive husbands. That is because men are more often physically violent which is against the law. Women are more often verbally abusive which goes unreported. Both types of abuse are are sin. And both types of abuse can tear apart a family.

Some other forms of abuse recognized by the church are:

Any form of hitting
any unwanted touch
caustic criticism
nagging
belittling
sarcasm
Yelling
name calling
threatening
using profanity
unfaithfulness
lying
restricting finances
making fun of the other
spiritual intimidation
controlling
unrighteous dominion - using the priesthood as a means to control

In the doctrine and Covenants we are taught that using status or position to control others is a sin. D&C 121:37 reads, "but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

The words "control, compulsion" and "dominion" in this scripture clearly refer to what we now know as abuse.

Some people clearly realize that they are an abuser, yet they don't care enough about their relationship to change their ways. Others are ignorantly mirroring their abusive upbringing. How does one come to understand whether or not they are being abusive in their relationships? First, you need to be willing to be honest with yourself. Start by asking yourself these questions:

Do I call my spouse names to belittle or shame them?
Do I believe that I "can't help" loosing my temper, and I lose it frequently?
Are my expectations for my spouse unrealistic?
Would my spouse say that my expectations are unrealistic?
For instance do I expect that my husband make plenty of money and keep up on home repairs and the garden and discipline the children appropriately and conduct FHE, family prayers etc.?
Do I allow my spouse to have privacy or do I check up on him/her frequently?
Do I discount my spouses abilities?
Do I insist that family members obey me because I have the priesthood?
Have I used emotional blackmail, emotional threats?
Do I allow other things like work, church callings, expectations of others to come before my spouse's needs?
Do I engage in sexual abuse or force?
Do I get physical with my spouse?
Do I control all the money?
Is my spouse helpless without me?
Do I insist on being the main source of inspiration for family members rather than let them rely on the spirit for their guidance?
Do I insist on making all the decisions for the family?

Getting someone to admit that they are abusing another is very difficult. Abusers are more often than not immature, selfish and insecure, traits that no one wants to admit to.

Those who have suffered abuse from a loved one often are damaged spiritually as well as physically and emotionally. A woman abused or betrayed by her husband may loose faith in the priesthood and even God. Her testimony may fade as she prays for relief but feels her prayers are not being answered. She may not feel trust enough in priesthood leaders to seek the guidance of her Bishop or home teachers.

Priesthood holders may believe that they have the power to move mountains, but the greater power they have is to effect the lives of those who love them, for good or for evil.

Let me make one thing clear; no one deserves to be abused, to any degree, by anyone, for any reason. All abuse is a reflection of the mentality of the abuser, not of the abused. Likewise God will not stop the hand of an abuser. He has granted each of us our agency; whether we use it for good or for evil is up to each individual.

The lives of those who have been abused will forever be altered, however that does not mean that they must remain damaged. Elder Richard G. Scott said "Know that the wicked choice of others cannot completely destroy your agency unless you permit it... you are free to determine to overcome the harmful effects of abuse." The abused will never be seen as the sinner in the eyes of God. He knows the heart of the abuser and blames not the heart of the abused.

For more in-depth information regarding abuse and domestic violence visit Psych-Net Mental Health at http://www.psych-net.com/abuse.html

Part 2 - dealing with abuse, will be posted in the near future.

Sibling Marriage and Other Tolerance Issues

This afternoon in my RS meeting I helped teach the lesson on marriage and how the world is turning away from marriage and the nuclear family. Of course the issue of "gay marriage" is frequently in the media, but the other day I saw a news-type show featuring a brother and sister who were a "couple" and wanted sibling marriage to be legalized. Their premise was that if we authorized gay marriage then we should also legalize any union between two or more people without prejudice - even siblings.

I know, to most people this sounds preposterous. But when you look back just a few decades, so did the idea of gay marriage. Our Western European culture has for years stressed the importance of tolerance saying that we need to get over the Victorian belief that the only true marriage is between a man and a woman. However many who have professed this attitude would themselves be intolerant of sibling marriage, child marriage and say, pedophilia based marriages.

I suppose my point is that when people vehemently profess tolerance for all, they are really only wanting tolerance for their own deviant lifestyle. They would have us believe that a line should not be drawn, but they themselves would draw a line somewhere.

So where should we, the LDS community draw our line? Thank God, we have been given the sacred counsel from the first presidency in the form of the Proclamation on the Family to help us understand the sanctity of marriage and to whom it should apply. That is where the Lord drew his line and no societal changes should alter our opinion. It is a tried and true principle that works here on Earth and in the eternities. It may not make everyone in the world happy, but then, no righteous principle does.

There will always be those who want to write their own ticket to eternal life. But that just isn't the way the plan works.

Be an Imperfect Parent

Around age 6-7 children begin to see their parents’ humanness. They begin to wonder why mom says “don’t take what doesn’t belong to you,” and then eats a grape at the grocery story while shopping. “Isn’t that stealing mom?”

We want our children to learn perfect principles and sometimes we mistakenly expect more from them than we expect from ourselves. But what should a parent do when they have done something so obviously wrong that even their little children notice?

Just as you tell your children that “honesty is the best policy,” when you do something wrong you have to be able to own up to it and come clean with your child. Admit that what you did was wrong. If the infraction was against them, apologize. If someone else was involved tell your child how you plan to make it right. And if there was no other injured party, tell your child that you know that what you did was wrong. Let them know that you make mistakes too and that you try very hard to make as few as possible.

In short, be an example. Being honest with your child about your own humanness will help them feel less troubled about their own. Showing them how you handle your mistakes shows them how to handle theirs. Yes, they will eventually figure out that you aren’t perfect but in the process they will learn valuable life lessons. And isn’t that what parenting is all about?

More parenting tips at http://www.psych-net.com